40 Fortunes
1. There isn’t an ocean for a thousand miles, but that doesn’t mean this
isn’t the beach.
2. At the necessary moment, going naked will be your most convincing
disguise.
3. If you can fix a lawn mower with a pen knife, you are a funny old
man.
4. Desert crossings are impressive only if the desert has been given
an ominous name. Go forth and name your deserts.
5. Only fools ride the train facing backwards.
6. Among life’s great injustices: no commemorative stamp has been
issued in your honor, while several have been for Muppets.
7. Rare is the picnic that doesn’t spread itself atop a snowman cemetery.
8. If you’re alive enough to feel lighter, then the appendectomy was a
success.
9. Muppets, appendectomy, snowman: the longer a list grows, the
more suspicious its lacunae.
10. Years from now, you will need this combination to escape: Right:
23. Left: 14. Right: 8.
11. No matter who walks with you into the woods, you walk into the
woods alone.
12. Your Nature Number is 27. Your Destiny Number is 14. Your idea of
a decent stir fry is an abomination.
13. Here is the name of the person who truly loves you the most:
.
14. Life is full of little disappointments. The country of Turkey has no
state bird.
15. Art is the uneraseable image: on your mother’s kitchen counter, a
bouquet of knives.
16. You don’t realize how cruel you can be. Do you find bandanas funny
simply because poor people use them as handkerchiefs?
17. Accident is as sure a path to insight as will. The inventor of the
typewriter, for instance, was trying to create a prosthetic for the
blind.
18. Every bridge gives the traveler two destinations, though one is
always retreat.
19. Do not reveal your deceit lest you reduce it to mere crime.
20. The dream state is the only beautiful form of suffocation.
21. With friends by your side, fight with your fists. With a wall at your
back, fight with compliments.
22. The ploughman prays for rain; the roof of your mouth for the pizza
to cool; what are our thirties supposed to be good for again?
23. “That was the audition,” says the avant-garde director, “and you
nailed it! We’re looking to cast someone who knows how to stand
in line nervously.”
24. Your life, like a Ferris Wheel, will ultimately deliver you facing
backwards at a destination that looks suspiciously similar to your
initial point of departure.
25. “Daddy, I’m afraid of dying,” says the little girl. “But there’s nothing
to be afraid of, silly,” says the father, suddenly terrified of his child.
26. God is the only one among us who has mastered invisibility. This
space has been intentionally left blank.
27. “Son, I am not really your father,” says the old man. “Father,”
responds the young man, “it’s too late.”
28. Bald men know.
29. If that cloud looks like a lion, what does a lion look like? Answer: the
statues outside the museum. People used to go there to see what a
naked lady looks like.
30. We fuck what we think we lack.
31. Write your phone number here: . Drop this
in public. Something wonderful is about to happen.
32. Show a scientist the moon and he’ll tell you how it got there. Show
a poet the moon and he’ll start thinking about your wife.
33. Read frequently, but beware of being read to, too close it is to being
told what to do.
34. Do not aspire to be the tiger. Aspire to be the sparrow who knows
how to sit upon the tiger’s back.
35. “No ideas but in things,” reads our guidebook as we continue to
refine our list: moon, sparrow, tiger’s back.
36. A one-line poem called “Upon Leaving the Infertility Clinic”:
Six times I tried to tie my necktie, and not once did I get it right.
37. The reporter of any miracle tells a lie.
38. You don’t have to travel farther than the birth canal to be born a
wanderer.
39. Let the leaves forget the tune that the wind can never quite blow.
Then forget the leaves.
40. Beware of the wolves. They’ve been raised by wolves.
isn’t the beach.
2. At the necessary moment, going naked will be your most convincing
disguise.
3. If you can fix a lawn mower with a pen knife, you are a funny old
man.
4. Desert crossings are impressive only if the desert has been given
an ominous name. Go forth and name your deserts.
5. Only fools ride the train facing backwards.
6. Among life’s great injustices: no commemorative stamp has been
issued in your honor, while several have been for Muppets.
7. Rare is the picnic that doesn’t spread itself atop a snowman cemetery.
8. If you’re alive enough to feel lighter, then the appendectomy was a
success.
9. Muppets, appendectomy, snowman: the longer a list grows, the
more suspicious its lacunae.
10. Years from now, you will need this combination to escape: Right:
23. Left: 14. Right: 8.
11. No matter who walks with you into the woods, you walk into the
woods alone.
12. Your Nature Number is 27. Your Destiny Number is 14. Your idea of
a decent stir fry is an abomination.
13. Here is the name of the person who truly loves you the most:
.
14. Life is full of little disappointments. The country of Turkey has no
state bird.
15. Art is the uneraseable image: on your mother’s kitchen counter, a
bouquet of knives.
16. You don’t realize how cruel you can be. Do you find bandanas funny
simply because poor people use them as handkerchiefs?
17. Accident is as sure a path to insight as will. The inventor of the
typewriter, for instance, was trying to create a prosthetic for the
blind.
18. Every bridge gives the traveler two destinations, though one is
always retreat.
19. Do not reveal your deceit lest you reduce it to mere crime.
20. The dream state is the only beautiful form of suffocation.
21. With friends by your side, fight with your fists. With a wall at your
back, fight with compliments.
22. The ploughman prays for rain; the roof of your mouth for the pizza
to cool; what are our thirties supposed to be good for again?
23. “That was the audition,” says the avant-garde director, “and you
nailed it! We’re looking to cast someone who knows how to stand
in line nervously.”
24. Your life, like a Ferris Wheel, will ultimately deliver you facing
backwards at a destination that looks suspiciously similar to your
initial point of departure.
25. “Daddy, I’m afraid of dying,” says the little girl. “But there’s nothing
to be afraid of, silly,” says the father, suddenly terrified of his child.
26. God is the only one among us who has mastered invisibility. This
space has been intentionally left blank.
27. “Son, I am not really your father,” says the old man. “Father,”
responds the young man, “it’s too late.”
28. Bald men know.
29. If that cloud looks like a lion, what does a lion look like? Answer: the
statues outside the museum. People used to go there to see what a
naked lady looks like.
30. We fuck what we think we lack.
31. Write your phone number here: . Drop this
in public. Something wonderful is about to happen.
32. Show a scientist the moon and he’ll tell you how it got there. Show
a poet the moon and he’ll start thinking about your wife.
33. Read frequently, but beware of being read to, too close it is to being
told what to do.
34. Do not aspire to be the tiger. Aspire to be the sparrow who knows
how to sit upon the tiger’s back.
35. “No ideas but in things,” reads our guidebook as we continue to
refine our list: moon, sparrow, tiger’s back.
36. A one-line poem called “Upon Leaving the Infertility Clinic”:
Six times I tried to tie my necktie, and not once did I get it right.
37. The reporter of any miracle tells a lie.
38. You don’t have to travel farther than the birth canal to be born a
wanderer.
39. Let the leaves forget the tune that the wind can never quite blow.
Then forget the leaves.
40. Beware of the wolves. They’ve been raised by wolves.
No comments:
Post a Comment